09.06.2025
Just checking in as I work to complete the blog posts. :-) I hope everyone is having a great Saturday. Thanks for your continued patience and support. I'll be back with more very soon :-)
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Just checking in as I work to complete the blog posts. :-) I hope everyone is having a great Saturday. Thanks for your continued patience and support. I'll be back with more very soon :-)
No I didn't forget about the blog posts, still in progress. :-) I hope you all enjoyed tonight's video... the audio on the water is so loud because while it looks like a "river beach scene" it actually is a large active dam. What you are seeing is the water from the dam washing up on the "shore." Very busy but good week for me - perhaps the busiest on record. :-) My goal is to get the blogs done and published over the weekend, I appreciate your continued patience and support.
I know it might be hard to understand why these posts are taking me so long... if you all saw the length of them, you'd get it :-). I've been working on them steadily all weekend and they are just taking longer than I hoped. I am truly sorry about it. They are worth the wait. I promise, I'm not giving up and plan to share them this week. Thank you all so much for your patience. P.S. I discovered this song while writing these posts, and I thought you all might enjoy it, so here it is: Click here to listen to Vega Trails - Largo
I know it’s Saturday, but it is a 3-day weekend after all :-) The blog posts are on the way for later this weekend, and I appreciate your continued patience and support.
Hi everyone! I hope you enjoy the ocean waves video that was posted tonight. Hearing the waves crash on the shore is sooooo soothing and relaxing! I am still finishing up those longer posts and look forward to sharing this weekend. Thank you again for your continued patience.
I am still working diligently on the blog post(s) that I would like to share. I apologize for the continued delays. I truly feel bad about it. As a surprise treat... there happens to be a video on the channel of a random dog that walked up to me on the beach, wanting to play a game of fetch together. How could I possibly say no to that? :-) I had to put music over it because I did not think the internet needed to hear just how much I was encouraging the dog. :-) I'll keep you all in the loop this week as I put the finishing touches on these posts, and post them. Thanks for your patience!
Hi everyone - just a quick update :-) I just need a few extra days. Thank you for your patience. I know waiting isn't fun. The posts I'm working on will be ready this weekend. In the meantime, tonight's video is a gorgeous walk through a Zinnia farm. I love walking through flower fields and, as always, it was such a treat to be able to share it with you all. :-) I hope everyone is having a great week so far!
Hi Everyone, Remember how I said that posting fewer videos would give me the opportunity to create and share "even richer blog content?" I wasn't kidding. I've been working on it (even right now as I write this!) and I am still in the middle of putting the posts together. I don't want to share the posts until they're fully ready. My goal is to have them posted on Tuesday night - or very soon after. Thank you so much for your patience and for sticking with me.
Hi Everyone,
Thank you for your support as I navigated my recent WiFi repairs... It was not fun. Thankfully it was figured out, but in the process, a bunch of my clips got lost or damaged. I know some of my posted content this week was subpar, and I truly appreciate your patience.
Starting now, I am going to pilot posting only 3 times per week - Tuesdays, Thursdays, and Saturdays - with the possibility of a fourth post some weeks. This gives me wiggle room in case of emergencies (read: massive internet and data failure) and allows me to deliver the best content possible.
As a reminder, these videos are not as simple as "point and capture" --you have to get every variable right: the time of day, the lighting, avoiding interruptions, the sound. Just one thing being off can make an entire clip unusable. Because of this, I'm considering experimenting with background music in some videos, but am not sure about it.
This lighter posting schedule will also free up space for even richer blog content. I am looking forward to having a little more space to share the moments, stories, thoughts, and reflections that matter most - here on this blog.
My plan is to return to daily posting eventually. For now, this rhythm feels sustainable given the setbacks I've faced with lost content and will help ensure that each video is something I'm proud to share.
Also - a huge thank you as well - as of this writing, my videos now have over 10,000 views. That means the world to me.
This blog will still be updated at its normal cadence. I appreciate all of the submissions of "Ask Me Anything" questions following last week's Q&A.
Below is a video I posted this evening. Last night I was able to catch the Sturgeon Moon as it was rising. It became trickier to capture as it climbed and shifted into shades of red and orange... but I think the early moments, with the waves crashing beneath it, are worth sharing. Make sure to tap the gear on the video controls and bump up the quality to HD (1080p)
I wasn't even aware this moon was happening, and I don't think others were either. Suddenly, people from all over the shoreline were gathered together, quietly watching. Moments like that remind me why I love capturing and sharing these nature videos - in a way - it gives us all a way to experience something beautiful together, from our own corners of the world.
Take care!
I have been having some internet connectivity issues that may last until the weekend (due to waiting for repairs to be completed). During this time content will post as normal. I apologize for any slight delays or hiccups. Thanks!
I haven't done much Q&A yet, so I thought this would be a good week to pause, reflect, and respond to some of the questions I've recieved. These were submitted by pressing the "Ask Me Anything" tab on this blog. Enjoy!
A: So this started off as captures I would get as a result of going on nature walks each week (a hobby I do for enjoyment and to recharge). Now because it is a YouTube site that is getting increasingly more views, it is starting to get a bit more complicated.
A good bit of the shared content is in fact content I get from just going on my regularly scheduled walks/spontaneous walks. But now since I am committed to daily posting this means I need to have certain amounts of content prepared by certain dates in order to have adequate coverage for all months and to account for the upcoming ‘colder’ months where getting quality content could be a challenge.
In short it’s : (1) Pick some good locations (this includes getting there at the right times of day when there are minimal people and minimal background noise), (2) See what is going on at the locations, (3) Try to get 20-30 captures (or more) at a time, (4) Review the footage. (5) And then come up with posting titles, descriptions, tags, etc.
So I was a new balance person FOREVER, and I mean EVER. I will say that I have noticed some changes and have been disappointed in the quality of the shoes over the past two or so years - but I didn’t let it deter me as my past experiences had been so positive.
I exercise daily and I started to notice discomfort when I was doing a weighted backpack (go ruck) workout. It felt like my legs/feet were headed for some sort of injury. I was trying to “push through it” for a good week - thinking it was a total fluke, but the pain was starting to persist after the workouts, so then I knew something was going on. Removing the pack/weights didn’t work - it persisted even when doing light walking. So that led me to look into swapping out the shoes. I can’t recommend enough going to either a running or a speciality sports shoe store, even if you are simply a walker, that has an in store treadmill to get a real assessment. I was able to try different shoes, different gear set ups (with/without weight), with someone who could figure out the type of shoe I needed.
Ultimately after trying like 20 pairs of shoes — which is apart of the process, not something crazy I did — I went with the HOKA Arahi 8’s. I did in fact buy two pairs because they are so comfortable. After years of wearing various inserts in shoes etc - I don’t need them period. The shoe is very cushy and you will notice a decrease in the normal discomfort that builds as you work out and less discomfort on recovery days. My pain went to 0 once I started wearing and working out in the new shoes. I think the overall comfort and stability that the shoe provides (and the fact that again - I got a very professional fitting done) is why I keep setting so many PRs, much to everyone on the fitness app’s chagrin. :-)
A: This is a good question. For healthy swaps I think snacks are where it’s at.
If I want ice cream, I’ll “swap” and have a vegan non-dairy ice cream like Nadamoo (yum). I don’t drink soda any more unless it’s the only thing available (if it is, I’ll drink only half the soda and an entire bottled water). I tend to always have a Dr. Zevia flavored Zevia with me - hint if you like Dr. Pepper this is a GREAT and HEALTHY replacement… also their creamy root beer is really, really good.
If you want Reece’s cups, the Lily’s Peanut Butter cups are better than having Recees. If you have a baking urge - use a mini pan and freeze or share some of the contents post baking. Use Simple Mills for your mix (not sure if all mixes are GF, check packages) and I believe there’s a good healthy frosting that was used for my birthday cupcakes called Miss Jones (again, check that the flavor you choose is GF).
Avoid smart sweets candy (due to sugar alcohols), protein bars (not good for you or your gut in the long run), but the different 'treats' with the protein in them like the Legendary Brand chips, pop tarts, etc are good for once and a while when you need a treat - it’s better than eating a bag of chips or a pop tart with no protein.
When healthy swapping the main things you are looking to get are protein content and if it’s something dairy find a vegan version (less inflammatory and way better than your body). Even as a meat eater, every afternoon I have a snack of a plant based protein drink — and a few handfuls of fruit, veg, and seeds. I hope this helps - it’s all about small swaps that let you enjoy food!
A: Whenever Thom Yorke/Radiohead decides to go on tour again. Regardless of country, I’m going to get myself there. I also wouldn’t mind seeing Hania Rani or any of the other ambient/instrumental artists I like.
A: Because you’ve sent in more than one question and because your tone in these messages doesn’t sound good, I want to offer a response. Out of care for whoever sent this question in and because you’ve shared so many personal details, I’m obscuring this question. Please keep in mind: this is not an advice blog.
With all of that in mind, here’s the advice I will give: When I almost got married, it was all built on trust. There was time between mutually feeling that spark and officially connecting - I used that time to reflect on what mattered to me. When we did connect, my first priority was to make sure that we were aligned in our desire for privacy and behaving with discretion. I wanted to be sure: that we’d handle things with care no matter where the relationship led, and that if things went sideways - we would handle it quietly, move forward without public drama, without speaking on it publicly, without dragging each other, and without generating negative attention. I needed to be sure that they were not ‘fair weather’ — that they would protect us (separately and together) no matter how they felt or how things ended up — and that they knew that I would do the same.
Even though we agreed on all of the above, I often joked that we both could sign NDAs. Of course we didn’t do that, but it does reflect how deeply we truly trusted each other, and that started from the beginning — with building our foundation on having very real conversations about trust and caring for one another.
Starting the relationship in complete privacy was the best choice that we made. Just the two of us figuring things out and building that foundation. I loved that era, and if I could find the right person, I could stay in that “bubble” of complete privacy forever.
Also, I made sure early on that they were comfortable with the fact that I may never post about us, or share the relationship and its details w/the world. Not because of shame, but because of my preference for privacy. They completely understood.
However, when you start helping w/school runs for their high school aged kids and wearing a ring, things get complex. Even with that - we kept the relationship private. It was never publicly discussed, and if someone asked me - I’d simply say that I was in a relationship (and was very happy!) and left it at that - not providing any further details. Another phrasing I had in my back pocket was “Sorry, I don’t discuss that part of my life” but never needed to use it.
To this day — people still ask if they can ask me if I’m in a relationship — and my answer remains “Yes you can — and no, I’m not”, I really appreciate that my preference for privacy and my boundaries - continue to be respected.
Even though I moved on due to wanting to be true to myself and my identity as a bisexual woman, I was truly happy in that relationship.
My point here is: Privacy and secrecy are two totally different things. Even with so much privacy - they showed up and they were there for me. They got to know my family slowly and were welcomed over time, and I was also gradually included in some of their world too. It wasn’t about grand gestures or rushing into anything, it was about choosing to be present, step by step. Through their day to day actions - I knew I was the only one there.
You say you’re “in a relationship” but you are also saying “you feel totally in the dark and you feel like he isn’t truly showing up.” You know what that means, and you wouldn’t be in my ask box if you didn’t.
Back to trust - I called my ex before posting this, read it to them, and asked if they were comfortable with me sharing. If they hadn’t been, this would have never been shared. This is five+/- years after it ended. No matter how things end, I still believe in continuing to look out for each other, and keeping lines of communication open if ever truly needed. To be clear: We split, had no contact for a long time, and have spoken occasionally - maybe once per year, if that. For me personally, any sort of ongoing communication was not expected. I personally just believe in leaving the door open - just out of kindness.
What I hope all of this gives you is : A knowing that you deserve trust, safety, someone — once they choose to be in your life, in any way — who shows up with care, and protects you no matter what and no matter how they feel. I hope you find the courage to let go of what you are hanging on to and to find what you deserve. And by the way, it doesn’t have to start perfect — trust can be built.
I am so sorry for yet another delay, but I am going to post my new content here on Friday night. While I'm hoping for early Friday night, knowing me there's a pretty good chance it'll be late Friday night... :-) I appreciate your patience and I hope everyone is having a great end of the week! :-)
Hi everyone - thanks for your patience! I'll be posting either Thursday or Friday. (I'm aiming for Thursday!) Hope everyone's week is going smooth :-)
I will post soon, this weekend got busy! Thanks!
Well another week has passed. It's really cool to see how many people are checking out my nature shorts. I guess I should believe it when people tell me I'm a good photographer, huh? :-) It is easily my favorite activity. It's amazing that these little snippets of places that bring me joy seem to be bringing joy to others too. Does it get any better than that? I feel so grateful to be able to share and I look forward to what's to come.
A friend and I were chatting recently about the channel. They mentioned a few people we both know and said, "You could show them the most beautiful nature scene or trail and they'd still say they'd rather go to the mall."
Initially, I laughed.... but later I really thought about how grateful I am to be someone who finds joy in the little things. It gives life a completely different type of fullness. I think a lot of us don't recognize how good we've got it and how little we truly need to be happy.
I've always believed that if you appreciate nature, you're probably someone who appreciates the small things too. I believe that if we could instill this mindset, that less is more, in the next generation it could be transformative for the world.
This weekend I'm simply enjoying a low key few days. It started off with a great workout and successful meal prep (yum). I hope everyone out there has a restorative weekend in store as well. New nature content is on the channel daily at 7pm! :-) Thanks for your support!
It's the weekend! I'm so grateful for the positive response to my videos this week. Instead of a longer form blog post, I've decided to share a round up of this week's nature videos and am looking forward to a weekend of relaxing and reading. I look forward to sharing more videos in the week ahead!
It has been an interesting two weeks. About two weeks ago, myself and others woke up to some pretty disappointing news. The first thing I did was went through my phone and called those who I knew would want to hear about it from a friend. My time quickly became focused on helping those affected to process (mainly just listening) and then also taking time for myself to recover and recharge.
Exercise really seems to be a "sanctuary" for me. Despite the news... I still was having great days excelling at work, life, and seemingly killing it when it comes to exercise... I blame all of the recent PRs on two things - new shoes (there's a story about that), and just leaving all of the negativity in the physical exertion of the workout. I am looking forward to getting back into mobility training and or weight lifting (not extreme amounts, don't worry) in the coming months... and news flash, the people who are 90 and can get around really well in online videos - they are all doing some sort of mobility training. I did 1 session of it about a year ago and had no aches or pains anywhere in my body for a MONTH after. I am not joking. Honestly I could probably do a fitness blog - but that's a story for another time.
Conversations w/friends and family have been centered on "how lucky we are." I am not sure if me turning 30 has thrusted everyone around me into a reflective state or what -- but it is cool we are all sharing this reflection of "luckiness" at the same time. For example, I was knee deep in water today filming some rapids and to my right was a woman riding down the lane on her bike. It felt so cool and I felt so greatful in the moment to be able to literally wave and say hi from the middle of the water... while doing something I love.
I visited a friend and her baby (my friend is raising this baby 100% on her own - and is doing an amazing job). I remember that she confided in me when she was half way through her pregnancy that she was "excited" but "scared" and what she was most afraid of was friendships changing... how would she have friends and the baby... I told her "From the friend perspective I don't see it that way - relationships change over time... baby girl is going to add a new dimension to the friendship, I see it as I'm now going to have a little buddy to visit, bring books/toys, keep up to date on her life, support her, support you, etc. I think your other friends would give a similar view if you asked.." My friend thought this was very nice and the pregnancy hormones made her cry. It was funny. She also has two dogs, so before the baby was born - I got her a onesie for the baby that says "[Dog 1's name] and [Dog 2's name] new little buddy" with a pic of the dogs on it.
Since my friend missed my birthday, I arrived to a rainbow cookie (yes, another gourmet cookie) with a candle waiting for me. She said she had to get the rainbow one because of the links to pride/pride month...which I thought was very kind. Little moments like these mean so much, not just because of my love of cookies, but because I'm not super publicly out. I was on a video call this week for a hobby I am involved in and given the participants "very traditional outlooks" - it kind of reinforced that I'm really comfortable with this level of privacy.
I'll stop here so this post doesn't get too long. I'm just grateful I was able to offer support — and that nature, as always, remains the perfect place to recharge and return fully refreshed.
P.S. - Nature shorts autopost daily to the channel around 7pm. Here's today's : (btw if the resolution isn't high enough, mouse over the video below, click the gear, then quality, and select HD)...
This little guy or gal came right up to me. I always talk to them in a calm voice so they know I'm not going to hurt them.
See the little fly? I love when I get little things like that in the capture.
Tracks like these always play in my head when I am creating nature content. This one was STUCK in my brain while creating my most recent content.
I didn't forget about this space :-) I just needed to power through this week... you'll definitely see some content from me now that it's the long weekend... hope everyone gets an opportunity to rest, reflect, and recharge! Happy early 4th!
P.S. I hope everyone's enjoying the autoposted content on the youtube channel :-)
Hi! I hope all of you saw the video that posted to my channel at 7pm as planned. Autoposting is working - yay! If you can believe it, I'm still working on putting together the content I want to share this week. I apologize for the delay and thanks for your patience. I've been reflecting a lot lately. As a result, I have a bunch of themes and thoughts going -- it's kind of a word spill. I'll need a bit more time, maybe a few days, to pull it together. You'll definitely see me post here in the next few days.
*Update 06/29/2025, evening: The glitches w/the autoposting took like all day to resolve but finally it's solved.... The automated videos will kick off again at 7PM tomorrow night on the channel… tomorrow night I’m also hoping to update this page with a text post. Thanks :-)
Hey - I am going to be posting later tonight* (Sunday 6/29/2025). I did see that the autoposting broke (but what got posted did get a good amount of views - yay!)... I’ll be around today fixing that and just reviewing content… An aside: I am pumped - I set a new workout PR this morning! Look forward to posting more tonight! :-)
I wanted to post this last night, but I practiced the pause because I just was in no shape to publish a quality post, if that makes sense. I'd rather delay and do it right. Younger me? She would have rushed to post it.
Turning 30 was a blast. Absolute blast. It was so smart to disappear with friends on the actual day of - so no one could bring negativity - those of you fellow solitude seekers/ "if it costs you your peace it's too expensive" folks know what I mean by this :-) … Speaking of negativity, at a 'pre-birthday event' someone had to come up to me and literally ask me in a snarky way if I was upset that I am single and not married or having kids by this age. Rather than reacting negatively (which I am sure is what they were hoping for), I just responded with that things happen when they are meant to - and that pregnancy/kids is totally dependant on life circumstances - i.e. practical considerations, life plans of each person in the relationship, where we are both at in terms of career, what stage each person is at in life, etc. Truthfully - that answer is exactly what I believe. I was nearly 2 weeks late at birth. I have always done it all in my own way and on my own schedule…
I think during these first few weeks/months of 30, my guess is I'll be doing a lot of reflection and maybe even sharing some of those reflections on this blog. To start off, if I had to pick a lesson I've learned in this past year, the biggest one probably has to be that different spaces will affect our energy and mindset. I'd like to think we all have a general understanding of setting boundaries with others, but I think what I didn't realize was that I was not setting boundaries with an intense environment and subsequently was letting it get to me. Then that just made me super intense when I'm generally pretty chill… deliberate, and thoughtful. I had never had so much exposure to so much intensity in such a short period of time… and it made me so not like myself.
Now that I've dropped my internal intensity, have let a lot go, am doing things at a more reduced pace -- I truly believe this is the secret sauce to why it's all falling into place in this era.
I love how my 'Zen' extends to this blog and shooting nature videos. It really is my favorite activity to quite literally play in the wild and marvel at all of the beauty… to hear the sounds, to cross the rock filled creeks (and almost slip), to crouch and contort my body (in highly uncomfortable positions) just to get the perfect shot. It is so refreshing for me, and leaves me feeling rejuvenated - I hope the content I share leaves whoever sees it feeling the exact same way. It has been exciting to see the 'shorts' content take off more than the longer duration videos ever have. It will be interesting to see how the rest of this first week of auto-posting of daily content goes. Perhaps in another post I can get into the mechanics of it all.
But once again - persistence pays, and these videos are finally starting to pick up. Again - it's not about the views, but it's about getting these scenes into the hands of as many people as possible who can enjoy them, meditate to them, relax with them, & take a deep breath listening to them as possible - especially those with access concerns who have no physical way to get to see these things. Given everything going on, my hope for the world is that we can just chill. Even if each short is only getting like 50-100 views and the channel still has no subscribers, that's good enough for me. I appreciate all the views, support, etc.
An aside: With so many people approaching me about pride month, again, it really means a lot that so many trust me with their stories and personal details. When it comes to life, I've always protected people and what they've shared with me and their reputations, even if it comes at a great personal cost, regardless of how positive or negative I feel about a person. It sounds like all of those demonstrated acts over time are why so many feel so safe sharing with me. I truly appreciate the trust. I have not so fond memories of being in private Catholic school and how every little thing was counted against you - one wrong move could be reputation-ruining/life-destroying - and it always happened to those who didn't deserve it… and those memories of seeing others needlessly hurt governs my actions in this area.
It's been breathtaking having people understand that coming out as bi really had a certain grief for me due to my background (aka Catholic). Having people who understand the previously felt grief has been a life changer. To me this entire journey really has been a reminder about how important it is for all of us to hold space for others…and how important it is to keep shared details confidential and sacred - regardless of what kind of relationship it is. It has been so wonderful to be connected through this journey unexpectedly to so many who also abide by that belief.
Love this track... so relaxing
Love halloween. Halloween themed party was the best surprise!
I feel bad doing this in bits and pieces, but I don't want to rush something when it's not 100% ready (read: ready, not perfect!). Below you'll find today's nature short - @letsplayinthewild will be posting these daily from now on! I'll be back tomorrow evening with my usual text post(s)/random stuff to share. Thanks so much for your patience! :-)
Home enjoying this perfect and relaxing Sunday. I'll update later :-)
Thanks everyone for the birthday wishes!! Thursday night dinner was fun and I had the most perfect day outdoors yesterday. Headed out to catch up with some pals over brunch this morning and then in for the rest of the weekend to just relax starting around noon! Look forward to sharing posts this weekend!
Hi - I have been battling tech issues all day. I am working to get the updates posted in the next hour or so, stay tuned. As of 11:22 - the text post is up and there's a link to the nature content I wanted to share for the week.
Has it really only been a week? It feels like forever. Maybe because my last comprehensive update on this blog was two weeks ago. Anyway, let me tell you where things are. So basically I’ve decided to focus on short form content only. I will still use the same username on YouTube (@letsplayinthewild) and also keep up this blog. I do want/need to convert this blog to WordPress so at some point next weekend you are probably going to see some notifications from me on here saying I’m converting things, things are propagating, and not to be concerned if the page becomes unreachable for a little bit.
My end goal is to start posting content regularly (and updating this blog more regularly via WordPress), starting next weekend. Hopefully all of that goes smoothly, and I’ll be sure to keep you posted throughout the process. In the meantime… here’s a sneak peak of some of the recent nature content I’ve captured.Next week once everything is set up, I’ll have more to share.
Speaking of next weekend - hard to believe that Friday (6/20) is going to be my 30th birthday. Looking back, it is amazing how much myself and my life has transformed in a year…but I guess that’s what happens when you are committed to progress. Related to progress, on Friday I was notified about an accomplishment that I honestly had no idea was going to happen and totally did not expect - that was really cool. In addition, I already had one ‘birthday surprise’ from colleagues this past week (hint: gluten free chocolate chip cookies) - again, also unexpected, and likely way too many calories (they were the BIG gourmet cookies)...
The point I’m trying to get to is - all of you know that when it comes to celebrations, the gifts, the cake, the venue, the party -- none of that matters. What matters to me is who I get to share it with. So I’m thinking about everyone - big or small - who’s touched my life or been there in some way or contributed to my growth. I am so grateful for your contribution and presence and I wish there was a venue big enough for us all to get together in one place. In the meantime - the calls, texts, facetimes, zooms, birthday cards in the mail, and future plans… will have to suffice… one day I will find that venue and a magical way to clear everyone’s calendar on the same day. Most importantly, to those friends, family members, teachers, and coaches who have passed on - I hope you are looking down and that I am making you extremely proud. Thinking of the time you invested in me and how grateful I am for it, is a big part of why I keep on trucking. Thank you.
I’m really looking forward to a small dinner with family on Thursday night, and having a long overdue day in one of my favorite locations with some women I’m friends with from school on Friday (note: this might affect my cell phone service but I’ll be back home and reachable the rest of the weekend). We are all in similar places - all turning 30 around the same time, single, navigating life/career, etc.
I also wanted to end this with, thank you to everyone who reached out to me after my tidbit on my last post about Pride month and those who "can't be out” or “out yet.” As someone who has always been able to live authentically, I admire your strength in sharing your stories with me and teaching me about the challenges yourselves and others face in our community. Thank you for trusting me with your stories of how paralyzing the fear of judgement can be, and how overcoming your fear of rejection led to such freedom. Prior to accepting myself as bi, I always believed in compassion and in giving second/many chances, but your messages reinforced why it matters: everyone deserves acceptance when they're brave enough to be honest. To anyone who needs someone to listen/understand: I'm here, I'll listen, and I won't turn away. In addition - thank you again to those who shared their stories with me confidentally, for reading this message before I shared it and giving me permission to share it. Thank you.
I know I've been super quiet lately, so I wanted to post some updates as I know the initial views of this blog are going to be from those who already know me.
1.I have totally overcome my medical condition. It's a thing of the past. That bad flare of a few months ago was apparently one last big flare as part of my body 'adjusting' to becoming normal. Also - no cancer! I feel very lucky and grateful as I'm told my decision to go down the integrative medicine path lead to this outcome.
2. I did leave Chris behind and would appreciate it if everyone stopped asking about it. The cliff notes version is that I walked away because I'm highly independent and need to be in a relationship with someone who is not clingy and values their own independence. I love having things of my "own" outside of any relationship I am in (i.e. hobbies, experiences, trips, etc). Having someone who also feels that way is ideal. Another pain point was how quickly the relationship was moving and how public it was. Those of you close to me know how private I am about individual friendships and past relationships & how important independence is for me. Moving forward, I would love to be in something that is ultra private. Like for example, I deliberately didn't tell the world about a relationship I was in for a year because I just wanted us to have time on our own to build a strong foundation and to choose when, how, and if to go public together. I think in the social media world of today, people are just too public. There has to be separation between your life, your partner's life, your hobbies, career, job, etc… and which of those things you share publicly - and when. It's all about privacy & timing & self-control.
3. 2023-2024+ was totally my grief era. There were things I needed to grieve, but then I was also hit with the unexpected deaths of close friends my own age, also too many changes in my personal life at once, etc. All of that combined definitely led to some of my interactions and reactions being different than normal. Another big piece was, I sought "support" as anyone would do when confronted with grief and it just was not the right fit. I know it's been hard to understand why I've been so quiet, but transformation requires silence to do that inner work.It's been excellent getting back to normal, back to what I enjoy, and back to what matters to me.
Two things I wish I would have realized sooner: (1) That the change, as someone who values their independence, of going from being an independent contributor who can implement their "big ideas" to create lasting and impactful change to being in a role where you can't do that can be very jarring and trigger you to act in ways that aren't true to your independent nature. It leaves you feeling alien. There's absolutely an adjustment period for sure; you will get through it... & (2) What it would take as part of my grief era, as someone who was raised Catholic, to take responsibility for & learn to live with the fact that I'm bi and that it was something that has always been there…Someone very close to me put it well - "You are just about people and that's what it is. It doesn't need a label." I actually highly prefer this description.
Looking forward, I'm excited for the future, and am grateful for all the support I've been shown along the way.
P.S. - Thanks for all the reaching out re: my parents 40th wedding anniversary..for those asking about the gift, I got locations that were important over the past 40 years 3d printed as ornaments. I started with the place they met, the church they got married in, their first home, and current home. They loved it! Here's me holding the print of the church they got married in, in my hand so you can get an idea on size. You can also kinda see the print of their first home too, in the background on the left.
